I remember the first time I heard the word gay. It was on the fourth day of grade RR. This memory is so vivid because it is attached to my first encounter with marmite. Thursdays in Smiley Kids’ kitchen were characterised by heaps of white bread greased in the gunk. We hated the stuff however there was always more than enough to go around.
After having buried my marmite sandwich in the sandpit meticulously – what would become a tradition and so leading me down the path of scam artistry – while on my way to the swing set – the very same one that claimed a few of my toe nails – two boys approached me and asked the question that I would dread to hear for a significant portion of my life, “are you gay?”. Unfamiliar with the word, I said no and continued to make my way to the swings. What unfolded there after was a scene fit enough for Love & Hip Hop (the kids edition). Before I got to my destination one of the boys cornered me and called me a liar then said that normal boys don’t act like you he said. Normal boys? While I was only 5 years old at the time suddenly things started to make sense. I began to ask myself if this was the reason that most of the boys didn’t want to play with me, because I was not normal but gay. Perplexed by what was going on I detracted, however me distancing myself from what was unfolding was not enough. Suddenly I was hit by his marmite sandwich. He proceeded to scream stop lying you are gay and was shortly joined by his friend and a few of the other boys and girls thereafter. This was the beginning of many events in my life that would constantly have me questioning my worth in a world that was clearly not built for me.
That night I went home and asked my mother the last question she thought she would be hearing from her 5 year old son – what is gay?. She never answered the question and told me not to pay any attention to them. Throughout life, through various experiences, I shifted my thoughts from you are not gay, to do not compromise who you really are for other people. Although I had all of the support that most could only dream about at home, the true battle existed whenever I set foot beyond this safe space. In society I was facing stigma and discrimination from peers and classmates. While I tried to fit in, the reality was that I never really did. There would always be a moment that took me back to that moment where I would be reminded that I was not normal.
After having attended my first pride event in 2012 at the tender age of 17, Pride for the longest period of time presented itself as an issue that I felt distressed as well as annoyed about. Having participated in the festivities which were characterised by dancing, drinking and being blinded with an inundated number of greasy half naked men, I began to question the relevance of Pride. All I could think was “surely there has to be a better way”. Unable to relate to the events of the day because of the baggage that I had gained through life, I saw Pride as being one of the most traumatising experiences in my life, because I could not look beyond the face value of it as well as understand what was really going on by not taking in that the celebration of it is truly a time for members of the LGBTQ+ community to wholeheartedly be themselves in a safe space without any judgement, reflect on their past selves, past loves and most importantly the history of the community. As pride didn’t give me the healing that I was seeking, I began to distance myself from anything Pride related.
When engaging in conversation regarding Pride, my words were marred with negativity – something that I had obviously internalised over the years as a means to try and fit into society – clear signs of mental health issues due to bullying. I developed a cognitive dissonance. This resulted in me having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs as well as attitudes about myself where I questioned myself as well as the place that I held in the world. While today I am able to say that I am a proud black gay man who is able to enjoy the fruits garnered from the strides of LGBTQ+ community and its allies which has brought about equality, resulting in contemporary LGBTQ+ rights, the reality is that we still have quite the distance to creating a world where everyone is accepted and loved for who they are. Until these rights benefit more than the most privileged, members will remain in danger. This can be seen with the simplest of actions in which our liberties are being constantly challenged.
With only 22 countries out of the 54 on the African continent recognising LGBTQ+rights; homosexuality bring punishable by death in Northern Nigeria, Sudan, Somaliland, Somalia as well as Mauritania; individuals being imprisoned for homosexual acts in Tanzania, Uganda and Sierra Leone; the rate of violence against transgender women particularly those of colour in the United States rising unabated, only two out of 48 countries in Asia allowing adoption by LGBTQ+ members and the new wave of Conservative evangalism ensuring homophobia discourse globally, Pride’s role has never been as important as it is today.
Pride serves the role of educating the world about issues faced by the LGBTQ+ community. It gives insight to individuals about the community. While the notion of safe spaces is often dismissed, there is still a serious need for places where members of the LGBTQ+ community can go and feel represented, safe and celebrated. Pride is such a space. It allows for members of the community to gather freely and truly be. While we like to think that pride is for open individuals, it is really for the individuals that can’t openly be who they want or have a voice.
By celebrating a thriving LGBTQ+ community during the month of June (and Pride marches throughout the year) we ensure that the community’s members feel comfortable being themselves. This ensures that LGBTQ+ community can be proud of its identities and helps to prevent the perpetuation of stigma, thus resulting in a better world for the community. By means of this event that I once thought was insignificant, less five year olds will be exposed to homophobia and will be able to grow up in a system that embraces them and doesn’t leave them out. They will be able to form meaningful relationships and develop a sense of belonging in the world that they belong.